Being Back
by AZGirl
Summary: Dean’s soul is reunited with his body. Will being back be just another kind of Hell? Post Season 3. Definitely AU. No spoilers for Season 4. - ON HIATUS
1. Chapter 1: Being Back

Being Back…

**Being Back….**

**Summary: **Dean's soul is reunited with his body. Will living be just another kind of Hell?

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Kripke et al. owns Supernatural.

**A/N**: Something Kripke said about season 4 stuck in my brain and wouldn't let go until I wrote this fic. If you haven't read the spoilers, then I don't think you'd notice the difference.

My first published fic. I welcome criticism, but hope for kindness. All mistakes are mine.

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Awareness slams into him full force.

His eyes pop open and the light hurts them. Sounds make no sense. Confusion reigns. He can't breathe and something is choking him. Panic sets in. High-pitched sounds invade his ears, hurting them. There are what sounds like voices, but he can't make out what they're saying, and he's not sure he cares. A cool sensation in his arms, his vision dims, and he knows no more.

ooooooo

He opens his eyes again, and all he knows is that it's later.

The light still hurts but not as much as before. His throat hurts, but breathing is easier. Sounds start making some semblance of sense. He hears a steady _beep…beep…beep…_ and he decides he's in a hospital. A thought unbidden comes to mind: _I hate hospitals_. His nose feels uncomfortable and he reaches up to feel a tube, but his energy is spent and his arm flops back down to the bed before he can figure out its purpose.

More thoughts and memories come back, and he realizes he's alone. Panic starts to creep back in, and an alarm goes off. A woman in what is supposed to be cheerful scrubs looks into his eyes and says:

"Mr. Anderson, please calm down. You're going to be okay. I've called your brother. He said he will be here as soon as possible."

_My brother_, he thinks, and full-blown panic sets in as memories of another time flood into his overtaxed brain.

(_flashback_) Your brother thinks he is going to find a way to get you out of Hell. But he is wrong. You are ours forever, and soon he will be too. (_end_)

More alarms go off. Breathing is becoming more and more difficult.

(_flashback_) Your deal was for nothing. Sam is dead. Always were worthless and a disappointment to your family. What would your father think of you now? Or your mother? Sam is in Hell forever just like you. His suffering is even worse than yours. And you will never, ever see each other again. (_end_)

Panic. Can't breathe. A coolness. His last conscious thought is:

_Sam._

And, he knows no more.

ooooooo

He dreams.

Images of Sam throughout the years. It's pleasant at first – almost peaceful.

Then pain invades his dreams and they become nightmares. A hook digs into his shoulder, into his side, and there's pain on top of pain. He's screaming for help.

Screaming for Sam.

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**A/N 2**: Since Kripke seems to like to bring things back around, I thought it appropriate to have this end in a way similar to the end of season three. What do you think? Should I continue?


	2. Chapter 2: Being Sure

**Being Back….**

**Summary**: Dean's soul is reunited with his body. Will living be just another kind of Hell?

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Kripke et al. owns Supernatural.

**A/N**: I want to say a heartfelt "Thank You!!" to those who reviewed or put this on alert – definitely inspirations for me to continue this story.

Unfortunately, due to my schedule, I won't be able to reply to reviews (probably ever – Sorry!), but I want you guys to know how much they're appreciated. I'm so used to academic writing that it's been a struggle and a challenge to do this, and I know I have much to learn.

Speaking of academic writing, I might not be able to get another chapter out next Wednesday. I have a final paper due next week, and it's likely that I won't have time to write for fun. But, I will try to get one up as soon as possible if you still want more.

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**Chapter 2: Being Sure**

Hands grab him and he prepares himself for more torture, for more pain. But instead of fire or dismemberment or any of the other thousands of torturous things he'd been subjected to over his time in Hell, this touch is different. He's being gently shaken and a voice filled with concern penetrates his nightmare, pulling him out of it.

His eyes open barely a fraction and then he closes them. The voice it calls to him once again. He can finally understand what it is saying:

"Dean? Please, wake up. Dean?"

He opens his eyes again and tries to get them to focus. A face he'd know anywhere is right in front of him. He starts to smile, but Hell is still too fresh in his mind, and he remembers what they told him over and over and over again.

(_flash_) Sam is dead…. in Hell … his suffering is worse… never, ever see each other again. (_end_)

He flinches away from the contact, from the face he'd know anywhere, and tries to comprehend what seeing Sam really means. The machines attached to him start to show his distress.

"Dean? It's me, Sam. Sammy. Calm down. You're OK. Please, calm down."

Sam? But, how? It can't be him.

(_flash_) Never, ever see each other again. (_end_)

His shoulder is given a gentle shake. Sam is saying something, but he can't hear him. His own thoughts are overwhelming him. He wants to believe it is Sam so very, very much, but knows it could also be just another form of torture. He tries to move, but his limbs feel so, so heavy.

"Dean? It's Sammy. Come on, man, look at me; say something."

He's so tired, but he needs to be sure it's really his Sammy. And, maybe, just maybe he can confirm that he really, truly was out of Hell. That it wasn't just another one of their "games." He may not remember much about Hell, but he definitely remembers being a plaything.

But, how could he be sure? He knew something must be wrong with him since he could barely move, and he was guessing that his voice wasn't really up to par either. He had to be sure, and there was only one thing he could think of to do – only one thing he felt capable of doing at the moment.

It's a risk, but he wants to believe, and he has to know. Knowing that it's really Sammy is more important to him right now than being out of Hell. Because he can't stand the fact that his sacrifice, his mental and physical torture for God only knows how long, may have been for nothing. He has to be sure it's really his Sammy – that Sam is alive and well.

He opens his eyes – not really realizing they had been closed – and looks Sam in the eyes. He opens his mouth and tries to say it, but knows that it only came out as barely a whisper, if that. But, Sam must have caught on to the attempt:

"Dean? What did you say?"

He was determined to try again, despite the pull of exhaustion. Sam leaned down to hear him better. He took a deep breath and knew it would only be another whisper – a croak at best. But, hopefully it would be enough.

He had to be sure.

"C – Cris – Cristo," he says.

No flinch, but he couldn't see Sam's eyes – couldn't tell if they were the inky black that meant demon. Sam slowly turned his head and looked him in the eyes. No black. Only sadness. It was his Sammy.

His eyes close without his permission and as sleep overtakes him, doubt penetrates his mind and he thinks:

_Will I ever __really__ be sure?_

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**Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3: Being Awake

**Being Back….**

**Summary**: Dean's soul is reunited with his body. Will being back be just another kind of Hell?

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Kripke et al. owns Supernatural.

**A/N**: Many, many thanks to those of you who reviewed or put this on alert – you guys keep me going.

My final paper is turned in and I'm free from school for a couple weeks. Yay! Unfortunately, after that paper and having to edit documents for work the last few days, my creative muse had had enough and decided to take off on me. I finally tracked the little bugger down, we fought – it wasn't pretty. Anyway, here's the new chapter. And, it's on time!

Have I mentioned yet that I'm not a doctor and have next to no medical knowledge? No? Well, uh, there ya go…. :o) All mistakes are mine.

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**Chapter 3: Being Awake**

As he wakes to a view of the ceiling, he realizes that, yet again, it's later. He has no idea how much later it is, only that it's daytime later. He then decides that "later" sucks, but knows he can't help it. He has no idea how long it's been or even where he is except that he's in the hospital. At least that's one thing. And, he's tired, can barely move or speak, and there are tubes coming out of him from everywhere possible. _Yuck. _That's two things. Most importantly, he does know that his Sammy is here, uh,…somewhere. Three things. Oh, and knowing it's daytime later, makes four things, right? And, five, he's positive that they're not in Hell or Sam is a demon.

_OK, well reasonably sure_, he thinks to himself and realizes that even knowing those five things, he still doesn't know much more than squat, zip, zilch, nada…. _Great._

_But speaking of, or I guess, thinking of Sammy, where…?_

Finally taking in that he hears a voice off to his left, he turns his head and sees Sam by the window talking on his cell. He doesn't think Sam knows he's awake since this time the machines aren't giving him away because he had a nightmare. And, it dawns on him… _Huh, no nightmare this time._

He decides to listen because he knows that while Sam's back is to him, it's pointless to try to get Sam's attention with his barely working voice.

"…and then he said 'Cristo'…"

_Awkward._ But, he doesn't regret his decision. He had to be sure – or, at least as sure as possible for now.

"…tonight? Great. See you then. I'm sure Dean will want to see you too."

_Bobby?_

"…since Dean has come back from being 'brain dead,' …"

_Brain dead? What the…?_

"…rules for family. Specialists are being brought in from out of state. It's not every day that someone comes back from something like that. We may have to get him out of here earlier than we thought."

His mind starts freaking about what Sam is saying.

_Brain dead? How long was I in Hell? Maybe this _is_ another game…. And, leave? I can hardly move – how can I leave here? I'm pathetic and useless like this – a danger to Sammy…_

His heart monitors start to pick up on his distress, and give him away. He sees Sam turn and realize he's awake. Sam's eyes widen at the realization that Dean has heard his end of the conversation.

He says: "Bobby, I gotta go, Dean's having trouble." A pause as he listens. "No. He's fine. He heard me talking." Another pause. "I know. Just get here."

He sees Sam pocket his phone and hurry over to him.

"Dean? Calm down. I don't want them to sedate you again." Sam says quietly, trying to calm him. "I know you don't know what's going on, but everything is fine. Please. Dean? Dean, look at me!"

He had turned his head to look back at the ceiling – trying to get a grip; trying to take a deep breath. It's so much harder than he ever thought it could be – this being back. Eventually he focuses on what Sam is saying, and looks over at his brother.

"Hey. I know this situation sucks, but you have to trust me. Just calm down…."

He starts concentrating on his brother's voice and, as he begins to calm down, his monitors start going back to normal. Sam is still talking to him:

"That's it, Dean. Deep breaths. Bobby will be here tonight. He had to finish a hunt first. He knew you'd kick his ass if he left a hunt just for you…."

_As if I could kick anyone's ass right now_, he thinks tiredly.

But, despite that disparaging thought, he can't help but lift the corner of his mouth into a sort of half-smirk though that one act seems to drain away the last of his limited strength. His eyes are feeling heavier and he's fighting to keep them open, but it's a losing battle.

He wants to know what has happened and what's going on, but his body is betraying him again. He hears Sam say:

"It's OK, dude. Just sleep for now. We'll talk more later."

As he drifts off, he thinks:

Y_ep, "later" definitely sucks_.

ooooooo

Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4: Being Pathetic

**Being Back.**

**Summary**: Dean's soul is reunited with his body. Will being back be just another kind of Hell?

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Kripke et al. owns Supernatural.

**A/N**: Continued thanks to those of you who have reviewed, alerted, and favorited this story. Encouragement and pressure all rolled into one!

This chapter is probably not what you were expecting. See the author note at the end….

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**Chapter 4: Being Pathetic**

Images.

Distorted and jumbled.

Pain.

Sudden and blinding.

He gasps as he wakes and his back is trying to arch off the bed, but his body can barely obey the command his mind is giving it.

_Nightmare?_

Looking around the room while trying to get his bearings and his breathing under control, he notices that he is alone.

_Where is Sam? Bathroom? Coffee? Food? Must be one of those things…._ He took a deep breath. _Don't freak out, Sammy can take care of himself, and has been for who knows how long now._

Being left to his thoughts and trying not to worry about Sam, he remembers what he overheard before and wonders what has happened since he was dragged into Hell. Before it was all too much, too new, but now he can't help but analyze and pick it apart.

How can a body live without a soul? Brain dead? How long has it been? Where is he now? What has Sam been doing without him? Has he been OK without his big brother around? Or Bobby? Has he been alright? His car! What about his car?! Is his car alright?!

_I definitely could use a ride in my baby right about now…. I hope she's alright. 'Cause if she's not, then I'll…I'll… Do what? Glare angrily at Sam? Right now I can barely lift my arm, so how could I even get revenge for my baby?…_

_I hate this…._

He sighs heavily and decides to take inventory. He starts at his head and slowly makes his way down his body, trying to move everything – flexing muscles, bending joints. He discovers that he can move just not very much or for very long.

He knows tubes are going in and out of him, including his nose.

_Feeding tube?_

He decides that that is what it must be since he can feel it in the back of his throat. But, a feeding tube usually means that someone is incapable of feeding themselves or receiving nourishment for a long period of time, right? This brings the question up again of how long he'd been gone. He looks over at the door.

_Where is Sam? Not only does later suck, but so does not knowing where Sam is right now. The guy couldn't leave a note?_

Going back to his self-inventory, he checks his memory. Midnight striking. Ruby/Lilith siccing the Hellhound on him. Skin tearing. Pain. Blood. And, then…

Hell. More pain. Everywhere. In every fiber of his being. Always. He knows that even though he doesn't remember how they hurt him. He also knows that, to Them, he was only a plaything.

Then suddenly, he was waking up here.

_Wherever that is..._

He wonders how well his wounds have healed and how bad the scars are, and decides to not avoid checking it out any longer.

_Chicks dig scars, right?_

He reaches over to press the button that will raise the head of his bed a bit because he wants to be able to see himself better. He slowly lifts the edge of the sheet up with an increasingly trembling arm, and finally gets a look at himself.

_No. Can't be._

He shocked and can't believe what he's seeing. Tears begin to prick his eyes.

Completely forgetting anything about wounds and scars, he sees a body that is a shrunken version of its old self. None of his former muscle tone is evident. He can clearly see some of his bones.

Words like _pathetic_ and_ useless_ come to mind. He puts the sheet back the best he can with an arm that is screaming from overuse. He closes his eyes and tries to come to terms with the way he is now, but a single tear lazily tracks down his slightly stubbled cheek and rolls underneath his chin. He puts his bed back the way it was so that no one knows what he's found out.

The only possible conclusion that he can come up with is that he's been gone a long time. Long enough for his body to become a wasted sack of skin and bones. Long enough for his Sammy and even Bobby to be hurt or killed a hundred thousand times in a hundred thousand different ways.

_Pathetic. Useless. Weak. Worthless. Pitiful._

Those words run through his mind over and over again and he knows without a doubt that they are true. Despair and hopelessness overwhelm him. He struggles to keep calm (_useless_) and focuses on the never-changing ceiling (_weak_).

A nurse comes in (_pathetic_) and does something with his feeding tube. (_pitiful_) She says something to him (_worthless_), but he barely acknowledges her presence or even her absence (_weak_). The only words he picks up on are "Sam" and "back soon." (_useless_)

But, he no longer cares where Sam is because he (_worthless_) decides that Sam should get as far away from him(_pitiful_) as possible. His brother shouldn't have to deal with this (_weak_) waste of a man, of a brother (_pathetic_). Sammy doesn't need him anymore (_useless_), not like this – not when he can't protect (weak) him or help (_pitiful_) him or anyone else anymore (_worthless_).

_Weak. Pathetic. Useless. Pitiful. Worthless._

His mind keeps repeating the words over and over and over again.

_Worthless. Weak. Pitiful. Pathetic. Useless._

They've trapped him in his mind and won't let him go. It's an unending loop.

_Useless. Pitiful. Worthless. Pathetic. Weak._

Nothing else exists anymore but those words.

_Pitiful. __Worthless. __Useless. __Weak. __Pathetic._

ooooooo

**AN 2:** I fully intended on having Bobby show up in this chapter and having both he and Sam catch Dean up on everything. And, I kid you not, I even wrote out almost four pages worth, but when I went to transcribe it to my computer, this came out instead. What can I say? I tried, but my muse decided this chapter should come first. :o)

**Thanks for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5: Being Lost

**Being Back….**

**Summary**: Dean's soul is reunited with his body. Will being back be just another kind of Hell?

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Kripke et al. owns Supernatural.

**A/N**: Many thanks for the continued support from those who have reviewed, alerted, and favorited this story…. Keeps me going.

You guys probably want to throttle me after what I did to Dean in the last chapter. It wasn't me, I swear! My muse just sort of took over….

For obvious reasons the POV had to change…..

ooooooo

**Chapter 5: Being Lost**

As they were slowly walking towards Dean's room, Sam was feeling more and more relieved now that Bobby had finally arrived. He'd been doing things mostly on his own these last months, but now that Dean was back he wanted to make sure he all the bases covered. That meant he needed Bobby's help, not that he had even needed to ask for it. Besides Bobby was probably the only other living person that Dean trusted, and he knew that they both considered him family.

Bobby's voice lifts him out of his thoughts:

"How's Dean coming along?"

"I'm not sure. I told you already about his nightmare and him saying 'Cristo' to me?"

Bobby nods.

"Other than that, and the trouble he had this morning, he's mostly been asleep. The nurses tell me that after patients wake from a coma, they end up sleeping a lot at first."

Bobby stops walking and faces Sam. "What did happen this morning?"

"While I was talking to you, I was looking out the window and had my back turned to Dean. Suddenly, there's an unusual rhythm to his heart monitor. I turn around to see Dean awake, looking confused and slightly panicky."

Bobby gives him a look that plainly says: _You idjit._ "How long do you think he'd been listening?"

Sam ducks his head a bit, accepting the blame. "I'm not sure, but the monitors started changing shortly after I mentioned him being brain dead…"

"And…"

"And, uh, he was definitely panicking. I basically told him that he needed to calm down, that everything was fine, and that you would be here as soon as you finished your hunt. Eventually he calmed, but I could tell he was exhausted. He drifted off to sleep not long after that.

"He's going to want to know everything that's happened – especially everything about you. You know that, right?"

"I know," he says and starts walking again. "But, there's so much that's happened, I just don't think we should hit him with it all at once. We can just start with…"

"Mr. Anderson?" A nurse with purple scrubs addresses him. "I was just going to call. Your brother is awake again – although…"

"What?" Sam asks while checking her name tag. "Please Liz, what?" He was starting to get a bad feeling about his brother.

"I know he was awake, but he barely, if at all, noticed I was there. He had this…this…look on his face that worried me."

"Thanks for the warning Liz," he said as if it was all a joke. "He's probably just thinking of ways to get me back for not being there when he woke up."

He gave Liz a reassuring smile that came from years of practice – one which gave no indication of how worried he really felt.

Sam starts walking towards Dean's room, picking up his pace. He turns to Bobby, his voice barely in control. "We need to get to him now!"

ooooooo

_Pitiful.Worthless.Useless.Weak.Pathetic._

The loop continued, going faster, gripping tighter.

He doesn't notice when Sam and Bobby practically run into his room to his bedside. Nor does he hear them call his name or feel the hand on his arm as Bobby tries to get his attention. He barely even feels the pain as his sternum is rubbed hard to try to get him to respond.

He doesn't even see the ceiling anymore through his open eyes.

All he knows are the words.

_Useless.Weak.Pitiful.Pathetic.Worthless._

ooooooo

Sam and Bobby walk as fast as they dare to Dean's room trying not to call more than the usual attention to themselves. When they reach his room, they practically run to Dean's bedside.

Dean doesn't move, doesn't acknowledge them in any way. He just keeps staring at the ceiling – slowly blinking only every so often.

"Dean?" Sam says. "Bobby's here. Dean? I know I wasn't here when you woke up, but that's no reason to not to talk to Bobby too. Come on now."

Bobby grabs Dean's arm and gives it a gentle shake.

"Dean? Come on boy. Just because your brother's an idjit doesn't mean I should get the silent treatment too…. Dean!"

While Bobby is trying to get through to Dean, Sam notices Dean's monitor is showing a pulse rate that is below normal for even when Dean was 'brain dead'.

"Something's wrong… His pulse has slowed; he's non-responsive to both of us…"

"I don't know kid."

Bobby reaches over and uses his knuckles to rub hard into Dean's sternum looking for a response to painful stimuli. Dean's brow creases very slightly but otherwise there's no other response.

"He's still in there, but he's almost completely withdrawn into himself."

"I shouldn't have left him alone!" Sam grips the rails of Dean's bed and lowers his head.

Bobby put a hand on Sam's shoulder. "It's not your fault you needed a break or that we ended up meeting. You had no idea this would happen…"

Sam looks up and says, "I know. It's just…" He clears his throat and shakes his head. "Do you think we should get his doctors involved?"

"No. I think this is beyond their help for now. Dean's been through God knows what in Hell these last months… Maybe he just needs time to cope with being back. Hopefully he'll snap out of this on his own."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I don't know what to believe about this whole thing anymore!"

"And, if he doesn't snap out of it?"

"I honestly have no idea. What I do know is that we need to get him back to my place where we can keep him and us reasonably protected. Now that Dean's awake, I feel like we're targets. We're just too vulnerable here."

"I know. I can't shake this bad feeling I've got. We should do this now – later tonight after the shift changes again." He sighs and pauses before continuing."How do you want to do it?"

"I think we should go with the 'transfer' idea."

"I agree. You better get going then. I'll see you later."

"Watch after that brother of yours."

"I will," Sam says as he watches Bobby leave the room.

Sam turns back toward Dean, who continues to stare at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry for not being there when you woke. Maybe I could've stopped whatever this is if I'd been here."

He takes a deep breath to try to regain his composure, but can't completely.

"Dean, please come back… Don't leave me alone again."

ooooooo

_Pathetic.Weak.Pitiful.Worthless.Useless._

ooooooo

**AN 2:** I wrote this chapter and the next in one sitting last weekend. It's nice to be ahead a bit considering things are really busy right now.

**Thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6: Being Found

**Being Back….**

**Summary**: Dean's soul is reunited with his body. Will being back be just another kind of Hell?

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Kripke et al. owns Supernatural.

**A/N**: Many thanks for the continued support from those who have reviewed, alerted, and favorited this story…. Again, I apologize for not being able to answer reviews, but please know that they definitely make my day!

Sorry to make you wait for this chapter, but I really want to stick to one a week in case real life puts me behind. One part of this chapter had been bugging me, but I think it's fixed now. Speaking of real life, all the junk going on has made writing chapter 7 difficult. Hopefully my muse will come to the rescue in time for next week's update.

ooooooo

**Chapter 6: Being Found**

Not long after Bobby leaves, Sam grabs a chair and gets what would pass for comfortable (in some alternate reality) next to Dean's bedside. He occasionally tries to get through to him, but still there's no response.

For the 'transfer' plan to work, he has to wait for the shift to change to the overnight crew. While he continues to wait, he tries once again to make contact with Dean by talking to him about some of the happier times they had as kids. Things he and Dean did together while waiting for their Dad to come home from a hunt. He watches Dean while he relates his memories of those times, sometimes getting details outrageously wrong on purpose to see if Dean would react, but there's no change. Only the continued staring at the ceiling and no sign that Dean had even heard him. Paranoid, he even looks up at the ceiling to make sure there's nothing there.

_Why is it always the ceiling that helps to take everyone I love away from me?_

Sam stops talking nearly an hour later and becomes lost in his thoughts of how to help Dean.

A voice startles him, "How are you two doing?"

Sam chuckles and says, "Well, Dean is still ticked at me. He's been ignoring me for over an hour now." He gives another small laugh and smiles.

"Well, I'm sure he'll forgive you soon. Big brothers always forgive their younger siblings – no matter what they've done."

She finishes changing Dean's IV and heads towards the door.

"Hang in there, Sam."

"I will. Thanks Liz."

ooooooo

Not long after she leaves, Sam notices that as Dean blinks, the time his eyes remain closed is getting longer and longer.

_Good idea, big brother. Maybe some sleep will help._

Dean's eyes close again, and this time they don't reopen.

_Sleep well Dean._

ooooooo

_Weak.Useless.Pitiful.WORTHLESS.PATHETIC_.

The words are louder now – almost deafening.

Nightmares break through the discord, and he's back to being their plaything again.

This time they're showing him every time he'd ever failed his family, especially every time he failed his Sammy. It doesn't matter how big or how small the failure. It doesn't even matter if he was at fault. All his perceived failures and more are thrown at him – horrifically distorted, magnified hundreds of times.

_Weak.PiTIFUL.PATHETIC.USELESS.WORTHLESS._

There is one failure they don't have to manipulate; one failure that he knows for sure was his fault. The night Sammy died in Cold Oak is replayed over and over again. For variety, they sometimes make Sam's death even more gruesome and devastating, but on the whole it plays out exactly how it originally happened.

Each instance of failure rips open his soul's scars and makes them bleed freely again. They aren't given a chance to start healing, or even start to scab over, before they are ripped open again and again. His soul's wounds keep getting deeper and deeper and it will be a miracle if they ever fully heal.

He had always fought back with the knowledge that he ultimately did his job and saved his little brother by sacrificing his soul for Sam's life, but this time….

This time he lets Them win. This time he accepts that he has failed his Sammy. This time he knows they've been right all along.

_PATHETIC.WEAK.WORTHLESS.PITIFUL.USELESS._

This time he gives up.

ooooooo

Sam is watching Dean sleep and immediately notices the change for the worse. Dean's breathing is becoming slower, shallower, and his heart rate is starting to decrease more and more.

Sam stands and grabs Dean's hands.

"Dean. No. Please don't do this!" He chokes back a sob.

"Please don't give up. Don't leave me again."

The beeping of the heart monitor continues to slow. Sam touches his forehead to Dean's and whispers:

"Fight Dean. For me. Please." And, this time, he can't stop the sob from breaking free.

"Don't leave me again. Stay with me Dean." One teardrop, then a second falls onto Dean's cheek and slowly meander their way down towards the pillow.

He whispers brokenly, "Please stay."

ooooooo

He's letting go – letting Them win. The words are still there:

_USELESS.WEAK.PITIFUL.PATHETIC.WORTHLESS._

They're echoing around in his head – it's deafening – and there's nothing else.

But, just as he's about to completely let go, to let Them triumph over him, he just barely hears two new words:

_Please stay._

The new words are quiet and hard to distinguish from the cacophony around him, but he knows that voice.

He could never deny that voice ever – especially when it sounded like _that_.

The new words repeat:

_Please stay_.

ooooooo

"Please stay." Sam whispers again.

He's still touching his forehead to Dean's when he hears the monitor pick up a beat. He looks over and sees the pulse rate increase a point, then two.

He dares to hope that Dean's turned a corner. Improvement continues – one, sometimes two points at a time.

He leans down again and whispers into Dean's ear:

"That's it, Dean. Stay with me. _Fight_."

He pulls back and checks the monitor again. Dean's pulse rate continues to rise and it's nearly back to the way it was when Bobby left.

"Thank you," he says and turns to find that Dean's eyes are open.

ooooooo

_Pathetic. Useless. Worthless. Weak. Pitiful._

The words are still there, but they've quieted somewhat. There's another new word:

_Fight_.

This new word is also in that voice that he couldn't ever deny or disappoint.

The new words are hushed and gentle, but insistent, and he listens to them.

_Please stay. Fight._

The other words still have a grip on him:

_Worthless. Pathetic. Weak. Pitiful. Useless._

They still won't let him go, but now he has the new words to listen to as well.

_Please stay. Fight._

He opens his eyes.

ooooooo

**Thanks for reading! **


	7. Chapter 7: Being Transferred

**Being Back….**

**Summary**: Dean's soul is reunited with his body. Will being back be just another kind of Hell?

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Kripke et al. owns Supernatural.

**Reminder**: No medical knowledge beyond what I've experienced or witnessed. All mistakes are mine.

**A/N**: Real life is really getting me down lately so I really appreciate those of you who have reviewed, alerted, and favorited this story…. I have to say that they definitely make my day! Thank you.

**Please** see additional note at end.

ooooooo

**Chapter 7: Being Transferred **

He had opened his eyes, but nothing had really changed.

The words still had him; still weren't letting him go; were still in an endless loop.

_Useless. Weak. Pitiful. Worthless. Pathetic_.

But the new words were their own loop now and starting to gain a foothold in his mind.

_Please stay. Fight_.

And, he was trying to stay, trying to fight, but it was so hard. He's tired and knows that he is weak and can't really move his wreck of a body, and he thinks this makes him pitiful as well. His weakness makes him unable to protect Sam or save anyone from what they hunt, which makes him not only useless but pathetic. And, if he couldn't move, couldn't protect, and couldn't save, then he felt he was absolutely worthless.

_Weak. Pitiful. Useless. Pathetic. Worthless_.

Despite the words, he desperately wants the loop to be broken – for the words to stop tormenting him – but he simply doesn't have the strength to do it yet. He only has the 'new' words, which were helping, but he needs more and doesn't know how to get them.

So he uses what he does have:

_Please stay. Fight_.

ooooooo

Sam is surprised to see Dean's eyes open especially after what his brother's body had just been through.

_What in the heck is going on?_

He has an idea, but has to let it go for now. Dean is obviously fighting to stay with him now and Sam needs to help him come all the way back from wherever he is right now.

"Dean? Look at me. Dean?"

While keeping hold of Dean's hands with only one of his, he takes his thumb and wipes his tears off of Dean's face, and then wipes his own tears from his face as well.

"Come on bro, I know you can beat this."

He leans closer and says directly into Dean's ear in a voice that clearly wouldn't accept anything but victory:

"I _need_ my big brother. Keep fighting. Keep…"

ooooooo

_Need my big brother_.

It was that voice again – more intense and insistent this time. He had no choice but to listen, but would the new words be enough to break the loop?

_Worthless, Pitiful, Pathetic, Weak, Useless_

_Please Stay. Fight. Need my big brother._

The new words aren't quite enough, but they help the others – make them stronger. The original words are getting weaker, but they still won't let him go.

_pitiful, weak, pathetic, useless, worthless_

ooooooo

Sam wanted to keep fighting for his brother, but knew that it had to be Bobby causing his phone to vibrate.

"Bobby, thank God it's you! We need to get Dean out of here now!"

(--Calm down, Sam. We'll be getting him out in just a bit. I just wanted to let you know that I'm only a couple of minutes out so you can be ready to go.--)

"Just hurry! Dean took a turn for the worse, but somehow managed to pull himself out of it. I'll explain later, but I think something's going on."

(--I was afraid of something happening… OK, I'm here. Be ready.--)

Sam hears the dial tone, and puts his phone back in his pocket. He leans over Dean and looks directly into the unseeing, slowly blinking eyes and explains:

"Dean, I don't know if you can hear me or even understand what I'm saying, but I wanted you to know that we're getting you out of here and taking you someplace safe. Bobby or I will be with you every step of the way. Just… Just keep fighting, OK?"

There's no reaction, but then again he didn't really expect one, though he had certainly hoped for one anyway. Sam pockets the only personal item he had left for Dean – the photo of him as a baby with Dean and his Mom and Dad that Jenny had found in their old house in Lawrence. Sam hadn't seen a point to any other mementos while Dean was gone, but had felt better knowing that Dean had had something. Once his brother was safe, Sam would surround Dean with whatever he wanted.

ooooooo

Sam could suddenly hear a high pitched _squeaka…squeaka…squeaka_… and voices coming closer.

"Lady, that's not my problem. I have my orders and I intend on following them."

Sam recognized Bobby's voice, but wasn't sure of who it was responding:

"It's highly unusual for patients to be transferred this late at…"

Bobby interrupts her: "It couldn't be helped. My co-worker called in sick at the last minute with no one to cover for him. I've been behind all day. Give me a break would ya?"

The last part was said as Bobby reaches Dean's doorway. The nurse steps in front of Bobby and halts his entry into the room. She turns to Sam and asks:

"Mr. Anderson were you aware that our brother was scheduled to be transferred to St. Christopher's today?"

"I filled out and signed a bunch of paperwork earlier. They want to give my brother some tests. I was starting to think no one was coming."

"I didn't see any orders for transfer," she replies uncertainly.

"Look ma'am, I don't want my insurance to have to pay for a second attempt at transport. My brother has been through a lot in the last few days. He's exhausted, and I just want to get him the help he needs. Can't we transfer him now and worry about finding the paperwork in the morning?"

"Fine," she says giving a hesitant smile. "Let me change his IV and get him ready to go."

"Thank you, …" Sam checks her name tag, "Camille."

"You're welcome," she replies while getting Dean ready for travel.

Sam turns to Bobby: "Hey, Buddy? I'm going to go get my truck so I can follow you to St. Christopher's. I'll see you out front – it's a black Silverado."

Bobby adjusts his ball cap: "You got it."

ooooooo

Sam nods his thanks to Bobby and hurries to his truck that had been painted black in honor of his brother. He had been careful to never drive the Impala to this place in case things ever went south. But, now he found himself wishing for her so that Dean could hear her engine and maybe find some comfort from the familiar sound – perhaps even reconnect with the world.

As he drives up behind the transport, he sees Bobby and the nurse start to come out the entrance with Dean. He gets out to help them get Dean settled in back, checking to make sure Dean is still staying with them.

Sam grasps Dean's shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze once the nurse leaves and says, "OK, dude, Bobby will be with you the whole time. I'll see you again soon."

ooooooo

He's not sure what's going on, but he knows he's moving. There are other voices, but only one he sort of recognizes. The uncertainty of what's happening to him makes him start to panic a bit, causing the words to gain back some strength.

_Pathetic, weak, Worthless, pitiful, Useless_

He doesn't want the words to gain anymore power and tries to focus on the 'new' words that are always in that voice he can't resist.

_Please stay. Fight. Need my big brother._

And, even though he still can't break free from the other words, the 'new' ones calm the rising storm of panic.

ooooooo

**Important Note****: K. Hanna Korossy is running a fanfic auction to benefit a fellow writer in need of a wheelchair through this Saturday, July 12. The auction can be found at www (dot) thefreeauction (dot) com, under Miscellaneous-General. Registering to bid is free, and donations are also accepted. Please contact K Hanna Korossy with any questions. **

**Thanks for reading! **


	8. Chapter 8: Being Moved

**Being Back….**

**Summary**: Dean's soul is reunited with his body. Will being back be just another kind of Hell?

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Kripke et al. owns Supernatural.

**A/N**: Many thanks for the continued support from those who have reviewed, alerted, or favorited this story…. And, don't worry. I haven't forgotten those who are simply readers of this story. Thanks to you as well.

I almost broke this into two chapters, but I figured you might come after me with torches and pitchforks if I did, so instead, you get my longest chapter yet. Some parts of this chapter I really like, but I don't know about the rest. Let me know what you think…

ooooooo

**Chapter 8: Being Moved**

His body could feel the steady movement, but his mind was still waging a battle with itself. The 'new' words had won a small victory over the tormenting loop of self-deprecating ones, but it is still not enough to break through. He is using what he has to keep the others under control – waiting for more, needing more. He never could deny that voice. He has to stay. He has to fight. He is needed.

_Please stay. Fight. pitiful, worthless, pathetic, useless, weak. Need my big brother._

The loops have merged somewhat, and he hopes for the voice he could never deny, but instead there is another.

ooooooo

Bobby checks his rear view mirror and sees that Sam's truck is still following behind him. He had tuned the radio to a station he knew Dean would like, but was getting more and more anxious about Dean being alone in back considering what Sam had told him.

He reaches for the volume on the radio and takes a deep breath before turning it off.

"Dean, I have no idea what's going on in that thick skull of yours, but we only just got you back. Sam barely kept it together while you were gone. I think it would destroy him completely if you were to leave him again.

"These last months have been… hard on him, and he needs you there keeping him in check. You two have always somehow managed to balance each other out and keep each other sane despite this crazy life we lead.

"I don't know what's caused this, but you're strong and can beat this – for Sam. I know it's…" His phone starts ringing and he grabs the offending object off the seat next to him. "Sam, what's up?"

(--I'd feel better if I was riding with Dean. Something tells me that I need to be with him right now.--)

"Sure, kid. What about your truck?"

(--When I checked out this area a while back, I found an abandoned farm that's not too far from our current location, I can leave the truck there and either pick it up some other time or let it rot for all I care. I only ever used it to see Dean at that place.--)

"If that's what you think is best for Dean, then that's what we'll do. OK, where am I going from here?"

ooooooo

The sensation of movement continues and is joined by indistinguishable noises. The fact that he's more aware of his surroundings means the 'new' words are holding their own and gaining strength, but he's still trapped by the others.

The indistinguishable noises go away and in their place is a voice he knows almost as well as the one he's never been able to deny.

_For Sam_.

For him, these are powerful words to join the others.

_For Sam_.

He gave up his childhood.

_For Sam_.

He became the best hunter possible.

_For Sam_.

He has always risked everything.

_For Sam_.

He gave up his soul.

_For Sam_.

He would do anything – could do anything.

_For Sam_.

These words have had power over him for almost his entire life.

_For Sam. Need my big brother. worthless, useless, pathetic, pitiful, weak. Please stay. Fight._

The old words still have a tenuous hold over him – he's very close to breaking the loop now.

_For Sam_.

It's almost enough.

ooooooo

Once they turn onto the dirt road Sam takes over the lead from Bobby. They drive down to the abandoned farm and Sam hides his truck in the dilapidated barn.

He's anxious to be with Dean again. He feels that he was close to bringing Dean back before Bobby had returned. The time spent following Bobby felt like an eternity away from his brother – almost as long as it felt when Dean was actually gone. Now that Dean was back, he didn't want to spend any more time away from his brother than was absolutely necessary.

Eager to be with Dean, he opens the back of the transport, throws in his gear, gets inside, and closes the doors – all in one fluid motion. He immediately checks on Dean and is relieved to see that his brother is still with them.

Bobby's in the driver's seat again and just shutting his door when he calls back to Sam:

"He OK?"

"I think so. I think he's almost back with us, Bobby, even more so than before. I have this feeling he's just below the surface."

"Just keep talking to him. You're the only one who can bring him back," Bobby says as he starts the engine.

"I'm not sure I'm going to be enough…"

"What? Come on, you're his brother, I can't believe that you…"

"Bobby, just listen to me for a second," Sam interrupts with a frustrated sigh. Bobby turns in his seat to face Sam. "Ruby told us that demons were once human – that Hell burns away their souls and they become demons. Now, I am absolutely sure that Dean is in no way a demon, but what if his time in Hell tainted his soul somehow? What if some of the problems he's been having have been exacerbated by this taint? Maybe that's why he can't bring himself out of this…this…whatever it is."

"I guess it's possible since we just don't know what time spent in Hell exactly does to a person. You have something in mind to help him?"

"This may be a long shot, but can an IV solution be turned into holy water?"

"I've never tried it myself, but it just might be worth a shot. The saline in the solution makes the water 'pure' in a sense and may have been helping Dean a bit all this time. I say we try it. It can't hurt him if we're wrong, but just maybe it will help him if we're right."

Sam digs a cross out of one of his bags and uses some rubbing alcohol to sterilize it and his hands. He grabs the IV and makes an incision near the top with a scalpel he found in one of the drawers. Saying the Latin incantation, he drops the cross into the solution and tapes the opening closed.

Sam glances at Bobby and starts to sit back, waiting to see if there will be some sort of reaction.

ooooooo

Perception is everything, and a lifetime of regrets and perceived failures are so difficult to overcome. The loop is so close to being broken. He needs something more, but doesn't know what.

_Please stay. Need my big brother. useless, pitiful, pathetic, weak, worthless. Fight. For Sam._

He hears the voice that can't be denied, but it's garbled and there are no new words to help him.

Suddenly he is on fire.

The pain is beyond excruciating and is slowly creeping through his body.

Every nerve ending seems to be lit up with pain. He can't escape it – it feels like it will never end.

_FightNeedmybrotherpitifulweakworthlessuselesspatheticPleasestayForSam_

The words are nearly indistinguishable from each other and have picked up speed – coming faster and faster as the pain intensifies.

ooooooo

The reaction is almost immediate. Dean's body starts bucking under the gurney's restraints and his monitor screams in alarm.

Sam leaps forward to hold Dean's shoulders down in an effort to keep Dean from hurting himself even more. The doors of the transport are thrown open and Bobby is there to grab Dean's legs.

Dean then begins to convulse and his breathing becomes erratic.

"Oh my God, what have I done Bobby?"

He shifts so that only one arm is holding Dean down and starts to reach toward the needle in Dean's right arm. Bobby's hand on his wrist stops him.

"Sam, no. I know it's killing you to see your brother suffering like this – it's killing me too – but we need to let this run its course. We need to let the holy water do its job. It's the only way to save Dean."

Sam nods and they go back to keeping Dean from hurting himself further.

Dean's monitors continue to make their warnings known and Bobby reaches over to turn the volume down. He's worried their supposed cure may kill Dean in the process. An idea comes to mind:

"Sam. Talk to him. Keep him grounded. His body is already weakened and probably can't take much more of this, but I think that with your help, he might make it. He's always tried to do everything you've ever asked of him…"

"What should I say?"

"Anything that will keep him fighting and here with us. Now, talk!"

ooooooo

All his thoughts are being obliterated by the pain. The words – all of them – are slipping away one by one. He's trying to hold on to the ones that matter, but the pain is impossible to ignore.

_StayworthlessFightNeedbrotherpatheticweakSam_

ooooooo

Dean is barely moving now – there's just a constant trembling of his body and his breathing is shallow. It's obvious to Sam that his brother's body is weakening under the strain.

He knows he has to say something, _but what_? He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He relaxes his hold on Dean and notices Bobby doing the same.

He leans down and touches the side of his forehead to Dean's like he did in the hospital – like the last time he felt he'd gotten through. Hoping the right words come out of his mouth, he shifts so that he's talking directly into Dean's left ear.

ooooooo

_patheticFightNeedworthlessSam_

Pain has made it nearly impossible to keep what words he has left – it's wearing him down.

ooooooo

"Dean. I am so sorry. All of this is my fault. If I hadn't of been careless and died in Cold Oak, none of this would have happened to you. I know you don't regret saving me, but you shouldn't have had to go to Hell either. I should have been able to save you from that.

"I've got you back now and I don't intend on letting you leave me again any time soon. I know you are hurting, but you have to keep fighting. It will be over soon. Fight, Dean. Stay with me. I need you in my life. I can't do this alone…

ooooooo

He doesn't know how much more he can endure. The experience is stirring up his memories of Hell, but they are only vague impressions easily overcome by the waves of pain.

He realizes now that there is a murmuring sound along with what words he's managed to hold on to.

_worthlessFightSam_

ooooooo

"You've said before that we are stronger together as a family. _Prove it_. Your family is here with you, we are stronger together, _you_ are strong, Dean. The strongest person I've ever known. I know you don't think so, but I can't imagine taking on half the things that you've had to struggle over. Struggled and _overcome_ them, Dean.

"I know we don't have much, but we have each other. I need you to be my big brother again. I want you to be there to criticize my music and put Nair in my shampoo. I want you to be driving the Impala again with me in the passenger seat on our way to the next job. Saving people. Hunting things. The family business."

ooooooo

Pain has nearly overtaken him completely.

The murmuring is getting louder.

He has only one word left.

_Sam_.

It's persistent, but the pain is too much.

ooooooo

Sam starts to panic when he can't feel Dean breathing anymore.

He sees Bobby let go of Dean's legs and start searching the transport for a defibrillator.

_NoNoNoNo. Please, God! No._

He leans down and tries once more to get through – practically yelling in his brother's ear.

"I know you hate chick-flick moments, but you are the most important person in my life, and I love you. I'm not ready to let you go, so fight, damn it! I know you can do it. You are strong and can beat this. _Breathe_, you Jerk!"

ooooooo

He's lost the words, but the pain is somehow less…

_Breathe, you Jerk!_

It comes unexpectedly, but the voice is loud and clear and undeniable.

ooooooo

Sam is about to help Bobby resuscitate his brother when Dean's body jerks, gasps for breath, and coughs once.

It's so reminiscent of that time at Roosevelt Asylum, but Sam quickly pushes the thoughts of that hunt out of his mind.

Dean takes a deep, shuddering breath and as he exhales, Sam is shocked to see a small puff of black smoke come out of his brother's mouth.

He involuntarily crinkles his nose at the vague smell of sulfur and backs away from the dissipating mist.

Looking back down at his brother, he notices two green slits staring back at him.

ooooooo

**Thanks for reading! **

Finally some good news in my life… I've had tickets to the San Diego Comic-Con since March. Guess who I get to see on July 27? ((does happy dance))

**Please note** that the next two weeks are going to be extremely busy for me. I may not be able to get another chapter out during that time, but I will try. No guarantees.


	9. Chapter 9: Being Eyed

**Being Back….**

**Summary**: Dean's soul is reunited with his body. Will being back be just another kind of Hell?

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Kripke et al. owns Supernatural.

**A/N**: Thank you as always to the readers, reviewers, and people who've alerted or favorited this story. You guys make my week!

**Comic-Con**: I mentioned at the end of the last chapter that I will be at Comic-Con this weekend. By request, I will be posting tidbits about my experiences on my profile page sometime soon. I'll let you know.

ooooooo

**Chapter 9: Being Eyed**

The inferno-like pain had dulled to mere dying embers-like levels. His lungs feel sort of like they are being squeezed by a python. Breathing is a struggle, and in taking a deep breath, he discovers that exhaling isn't so easy either. He manages to do it though and feels somewhat better.

He senses he has company and manages to open his eyes a fraction.

His eyes can't quite focus, but he knows Sam is with him and for now that's all he needs.

He hears his name and shifts his eyes in the direction of the voice, Sam's, but all he can think about is sleep.

He closes his eyes and gives in to his body's demands – hoping Sammy will be there when he wakes up.

ooooooo

Sam is surprised but ecstatic to see that Dean's eyes are open though he's not sure if his brother is really aware of his surroundings.

"Dean? Can you hear me? Dean?"

Dean's eyes shift in his direction and Sam swears there is some amount of recognition in them before they shut.

"Bobby?"

"I think he's just sleeping now. He's been through a lot lately, almost too much. Sleep is what he needs more than almost anything else right now."

Sam nods dejectedly and looks back at his brother's face. _At least he looks somewhat peaceful while sleeping for a change_.

"I know you're right Bobby, it's just…just…" he stops and places his hand over Dean's to reassure himself of his brother's continued presence.

"I get it kid, but he's back with us now," he says as he jumps down from the back of the transport. "We'll deal with the rest as it comes along," he finishes as he shuts the doors.

Settling in for the long ride ahead, Sam says "I'm here Dean and I promise to be there when you next wake up."

He jumps at the sound of Bobby slamming the driver's door shut.

"We aren't safe here, Bobby. We may even have alerted something to our location by what just happened. We need to get out of here."

Bobby nods and starts the engine. "It's a long ride. You're sure you'll be OK back there?"

Putting his hand on Dean's shoulder he says, "I'll be fine. Dean needs me here."

_And I need him if we're going to make it through this war alive_.

ooooooo

**Thanks for reading!**

**Note**: I know it is super short, but you're lucky I got this much done with everything else that's going on. No guarantees for next week. :o)


	10. Chapter 10: Being Tickled, Part I

Being Back…

**Being Back….**

**Summary**: Dean's soul is reunited with his body. Will being back be just another kind of Hell? AU given the 1st 5 min of the season 4 premiere that I saw at S.D. Comic-Con.

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Kripke et al. owns Supernatural.

**A/N**: Thank you to all the readers, reviewers and those who've alerted or favorited this story….

**Request for help:** 3SavageSkillets asked for the link to the first five minutes clip, but I can't find it anymore. Can anyone help her (us) out? Thanks.

**Sorry about last week**. Not only was I sick, but real life was overwhelming and I had no thoughts to spare towards this story. I hope I've made it up to you with this extra long (for me) chapter. Enjoy!

ooooooo

**Chapter 10: Being Tickled**

He was aware of various sensations.

A comfortable bed. Warmth. The impression of light on his closed eyelids. A faint rustling sound every so often. A slight musty odor. The dreaded tubes were still there but there was no corresponding disinfectant smell of a hospital. An achy feeling all over his body accompanied by tiredness.

Most important though was the feeling that someone was there in the room with him, but he had absolutely no doubt that it was Sam. That sensation of comfort washed over him. As long as Sammy was with him, did he really need anything else?

Where he was and how long he'd been gone in multiple senses of the word was anyone's guess, and floating just beneath the surface like this, he didn't concern himself with that just yet.

His recent memories were jumbled. He remembers feeling an intense self-loathing. The feel of liquid fire flowing through his body. A plea from Sammy to breathe. Other words and images come to mind that make little sense.

His last clear memory is of…_oh crap_…freaking out over hearing that he'd been brain dead and Sam having to calm him down.

_I wonder how many more chick-flick moments there will be before this is over_?

Floating just beneath the surface has its advantages, and putting off the inevitable just a little while longer, he lets himself go under again.

ooooooo

Sam had immediately noticed the change in Dean's breathing, but also recognized no purposeful waking. During his vigil the last few days, he had learned to tell the difference between attempts to shift positions in bed and attempts at waking. So far, this had been the closest his brother had come to waking and Sam hoped that next time Dean would be ready to rejoin the world.

He had barely left Dean's side in the almost four days since they basically tortured his brother with the sanctified IV solution. The only times he ever left Dean's side were when Bobby forced him to take breaks for the bathroom, food, and ten to fifteen minutes outside at least twice a day. Each time he leaves he makes Bobby promise to contact him if Dean showed any signs of waking. He had promised to himself that he would be there when Dean finally woke and was determined to keep that promise.

ooooooo

They'd driven to the safe house that he and Bobby had set up not only as a base of operations but as a place for Dean to recuperate when they finally reunited Dean's soul with his body. They'd stocked the place with months worth of medical supplies and food and water not knowing exactly what condition Dean would be in at that point. And, so that they could be as self-sufficient as possible, Sam had trained with an ex-home health nurse turned hunter so that he would be capable of tending to all of Dean's physical needs during his recovery.

The house was actually Bobby's property. He'd told Sam that he'd seen the _For Sale_ sign one day and jumped at the chance to have a place for hunters to stay if they needed it for a time. Bobby had researched the property's history and the history of the house with its detached multi-car garage to make sure there was nothing that could cause or attract any supernatural occurrences or beings other than their very presence. Even though Bobby's research said everything was clean, he'd performed several different cleansing rituals just in case. He'd also set up every type of protective ward he could think of and others that he'd found during his research – including Devil's Traps at every single possible opening to the house.

When Bobby had first shown him the place, Sam had felt at peace there despite the overwhelming, prevailing sadness over not being able to save his brother's soul. He was also suspicious of Bobby's purported purpose for the house when he'd found several things set up that would accommodate him and his brother. The largest bedroom had two beds, two bedside tables (each with a lamp), two dressers in the large walk-in closet, a bathroom with two sinks and a shower head that was high enough for Sam to fit under without hitting his head. Sam couldn't help but be moved by the gesture and pretended he didn't realize Bobby's true intentions. And, if Bobby knew that he knew, he pretended that he didn't and they'd left it at that.

ooooooo

"Sam?"

Sam was startled out of his thoughts by Bobby entering the room and calling his name. He looked up, smiled, and gave Bobby the good news.

"He was so close this time, Bobby. I think next time he'll actually wake up."

"That's great, kid. Now I know what you're thinking and that's no excuse to not take a break."

"But –"

"No. Now git."

Sam got up out of the recliner that was by the window of their room and held his hands up in surrender. He'd never won this particular argument yet and decided it was in his best interest to give in yet again.

"OK. I'm going" He stops at the doorway and holds up his two-way radio. "You promise to—"

"Of course, Sam. I promise to call you at the slightest sign."

"Thanks." Sam says as leaves to go outside.

ooooooo

Sam steps out onto the porch of the ranch-style house and takes a deep breath. As he exhales, he starts down the steps and makes a left turn at the bottom to go on one of his semi-regular routes around the property. Every day he checks the protection wards placed around the outside of the house and the few that could be placed around the property. Nothing had been disturbed – no footprints or sulfur traces or any other indications of anything supernatural – everything was in its proper place. He didn't think they'd been followed from the old farm house, but checked to make sure at least once a day anyway. And, he knew Bobby did the same thing at least once every night.

The ride to the house had been a little tense because they were worried about being followed, but otherwise the trip had been uneventful. Dean continued to sleep and eventually the constant movement of the transport lulled Sam to sleep for a few hours.

They'd arrived at the house around 8 AM, unloaded Dean from the back of the transport, and carried the gurney up the porch steps. They then wheeled him to the bedroom the brothers would be sharing. Once they'd transferred Dean into his bed, Bobby stripped the transport of everything that could possibly be of use and drove it back to his place in order to junk it.

In the meantime, Sam had stayed with Dean and got him settled in his new room. He didn't dare leave Dean's side those first hours and when Bobby had realized that Sam wasn't taking any breaks or time away, they had had an argument over it. Bobby had argued that Dean wouldn't want Sam to run himself into the ground because of him – that Dean would rather come back to a healthy Sam. They'd compromised on the breaks and it didn't take long for them to develop a sort of routine. Bobby would mostly stay out of Sam's hair unless he realized that Sam wasn't taking any breaks.

Sam was more than grateful to Bobby for taking on the domestic duties that allowed him to stay by his brother's side and take care of his needs. Dean had given up his childhood to take care of his little brother when Sam was just a baby and now Sam was taking care of Dean's basic needs. He made sure to feed his brother the nourishing flavorless goop that was supposed to be food several times a day through Dean's feeding tube and changed the foley catheter bag when necessary. He never thought he would ever have to take care of Dean like this, but considered it a privilege to finally be able to give something back to a brother who had given him so much over the years. He knew he would never be able to repay Dean for selling his soul to save his life, but he could at the very least make his brother as comfortable as possible during his recovery.

Several times there had been false alarms where Sam had thought Dean to be waking only to realize that his brother was simply trying to shift to a more comfortable position in his bed. Those times were interspersed with other times where Dean actually did show signs of waking only to fall back asleep before even opening his eyes. Sam spent much of his time reading when not watching over Dean. And, he also spent a lot of time thinking about everything that had happened to them and what the future could possibly hold. He knew one thing with absolute certainty though – he needed his brother by his side in order to make it through whatever was going to come next.

ooooooo

**Note:** The site was giving me fits so I had to break this into two chapters….

**Thanks for reading! **


	11. Chapter 11: Being Tickled, Part II

**Being Back….**

**Summary**: Dean's soul is reunited with his body. Will being back be just another kind of Hell? AU given the 1st 5 min of the season 4 premiere that I saw at S.D. Comic-Con.

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Kripke et al. owns Supernatural.

**A/N**: Thank you to all the readers, reviewers and those who've alerted or favorited this story….

**Important Note: **The site was giving me fits so I had to break this into two chapters….. See previous chapter.

ooooooo

**Chapter 10: Being Tickled, Part II**

Finishing his perimeter check, he went back in the house and straight back to his and Dean's room. He found Bobby quietly reading an article from muscle car magazine out loud to Dean.

"Any change?" he asked.

"None," he said getting up from the edge of Sam's bed and tucking the magazine under his left arm. "It's like I've said before – he'll wake when he's ready."

Bobby looked at his watch, stepped towards the doorway, and said, "It's almost lunch time. I'll bring you something to eat soon along with Dean's Goop."

Sam sat down beside Dean on his bed and replied, "Thanks."

ooooooo

After the morning break and perimeter check, Sam usually gave Dean's atrophied muscles in his arms and legs a massage. He had started the massages on the second day in order to stimulate blood flow to the muscles and get the ball rolling therapy-wise. Dean was so deeply asleep that he didn't feel the intrusion on his personal space. It made Sam feel guilty every time he saw just how thin and frail his brother's body was right now, but knew that with Dean's stubbornness it wouldn't take long for him to get back on his feet.

He always started with Dean's hands. He couldn't stand how they were curled up and claw-like because the tendons had shrunk due to lack of use. His brother's hands that could fix anything probably couldn't hold a wrench right now._ I know you'll be back to full strength soon Bro._

He gently straightened Dean's fingers and massaged them trying to stretch the tendons and ligaments back out. He then moved onto the arms massaging the muscles and moving the joints around. And, last he did the legs and feet which seemed to be perpetually cold.

He hadn't yet, in the last almost three days, had a reaction from Dean and wasn't expecting one again today. But, when Sam had moved on to massaging Dean's right foot, it suddenly jerked. At first, Sam took it as reflex and kept working, but when he'd touched a certain spot, Dean's foot jerked again.

He looked over at Dean's face and realized that his brother looked annoyed.

"I don't remember you being ticklish on your right foot big brother."

Sam tries to find the spot again, this time not only did Dean's foot jerk, but he also heard him whisper, "S-s-stop," even though his eyes were closed.

"Dean? Wake up and I'll stop. Did you hear what I said?" He starts to grab Dean's foot again and Dean's eyes open to slits.

ooooooo

Dean is slowly floating to the surface of consciousness again when he feels familiar hands on his body. It takes his sluggish mind a while to comprehend what was going on but he surmises that it's some sort of weird massage. It feels good considering his sore body and is lulling him back down below the surface when suddenly The Spot is touched on his foot and he involuntarily moves it.

The touching of The Spot has forced him closer to the surface than he wanted to be and when The Spot is touched again; he can't help but be annoyed that his sleep is being disturbed by his even more annoying little brother.

He hears Sam comment about not remembering that his right foot is ticklish and thinks _That's 'cause I don't like to be tickled there, you idiot!_

Sam finds The Spot again and he surfaces even more to say, "S-s-stop," though he's not ready to open his eyes yet.

Sam offers to stop touching The Spot if he'll wake up. _But, I'm already awake…_ He feels his foot being grabbed again, and opens his eyes a bit.

ooooooo

He hears Sam say, "Hey."

"He-Hey," he attempts to answer but it's a croak because his throat is extremely dry. He coughs a bit and wonders why it tastes like he's chewed and swallowed charcoal.

"Here," Sam says as a cup of water with a straw materializes in front of his face.

He lifts his head to drink and feels Sam's hand behind his neck. "Let me help. And drink only a few small sips. You haven't really had anything in awhile."

He does as he's told only because the first swallow feels weird like there is already something in his throat. When he's finished drinking, he starts to lift his hand to his face, but Sam stops him saying, "Let it alone. It's, it's uh – necessary."

Dean has a vague memory of discovering the feeding tube when he was in the hospital. He whispers since his voice still isn't cooperating, "I kn-know, Sam. I get it."

Guilt flashes across Sam's face as he asks, "How are you feeling?"

Lapsing into old habits, Dean replies with his standard, if currently nasally sounding, response, "I'm fine."

"Right. And I'm President of the United States."

"G-gone that long, huh," his voice still hitching from lack of use.

"So not funny."

"Oh c-come o-on. Little funny."

"Not really, but at least I know your sense of humor is still intact."

ooooooo

**Note:** This seemed like a good place to stop even though I wanted to go on, but I ran out of time. Forgiven?

**BTW**: The fingers curling up like I described really does happen. Someone very close to me was in a coma for a month and a half and I saw this happen. Every time I visited the person, I couldn't help but massage the hands and especially the fingers trying to get them to uncurl…

**Comic-Con**: I was also able to write up what my brother and I did on Friday of Comic-Con. Feel free to check out the description on my profile page. The other days will come when I can get around to it. The Supernatural panel on Sunday was awesome with the hilarious gag reel, the first 5 minutes of the season premiere (!!) and just seeing EK, JP, JA, SG and BE in person. It was a great way to end my first Comic-Con, though getting back home proved to be a real pain in more ways than one… More on that later if you're interested.

**Thanks for reading! **


	12. Chapter 12: Being Overwhelmed

Being Back…

**Being Back….**

**Summary**: Dean's soul is reunited with his body. Will being back be just another kind of Hell? Post Season 3. Definitely AU. No spoilers for Season 4.

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Kripke et al. owns Supernatural.

**A/N**: Just a reminder and an apology about not being able to reply to reviews. Believe me when I say that I appreciate each an every one of them… Thank you as always to the readers, reviewers, and people who've alerted or favorited this story.

Mistakes are all mine…

ooooooo

**Chapter 12: Being Overwhelmed**

Once Sam made the crack about his sense of humor, Dean realized he had no idea what to say next. Too many questions were coming to his mind – each struggling to be the first asked. He didn't know where to start and had made the bad joke hoping it would give him time to figure out what to say next. Unfortunately his lethargy was wreaking havoc on his thought processes – making decisions and plans difficult tasks.

Any one of his questions would more than likely lead to answers he wasn't sure he was ready for yet, but they still needed to be asked regardless of the consequences. He was saved from having to make a decision when he heard a familiar voice coming towards the room.

ooooooo

"Sam? I hope you don't mind just a sandwich and chips, I have to –"

Sam turned his head in time to see Bobby start to enter the room with the tray of food and notice that Dean was awake. Sam had never before seen Bobby react quite like that before he had essentially stopped talking mid-sentence and stood staring at the sight before him.

Both Bobby and Dean seemed at a loss as to what to say next so Sam decided to break the tension by saying –

"Look who finally decided to wake up."

Seemingly unaffected by his recent bout with the inability to speak, Sam watches as Bobby blinks once and then continue into the room while saying in a seemingly gruff voice:

"'Bout time."

Out of the corner of his eye, Sam sees an unidentifiable look pass over his brother's face as Bobby sets the tray down on Dean's bedside table. By the time San can focus back on Dean, the look is gone. _What was that about?_

"Sorry to be so lazy," Dean says while attempting and failing to produce his usual smirk.

"Nothing to be sorry about, kid. Besides I'll be putting you to work soon enough on the cars back at my place."

A look of confusion passes over Dean's face and Bobby sends an apologetic look over Sam's way. Sam shrugs and says to Bobby:

"What were you saying when you came in?"

"Uh. I –," he begins and sends a look Sam's way of _Are you sure?_

Sam gives a small nod and knows by the look on his brother's face that Dean is not only confused but angry and hurt about being left out of most of the conversation.

"I got a call about a part for a Mustang and need to head back to my place for a few hours. I can bring dinner back if you'd like."

"Sounds good, but don't rush. We'll be fine until you get back."

Sam hears a loud sigh and looks back at Dean to see the anger still on Dean's face but now there is also a look of resignation as well. He's about to say something in explanation when Bobby addresses Dean:

"I'm sorry Dean. You just woke up and I'd rather be here catching up on all that's happened, but he's one of my oldest and best customers. I don't want him to start asking questions I would rather not have to answer."

"Go ahead Bobby, I understand."

Bobby leans down and firmly grasps Dean's shoulder then pats it saying, "Glad you're awake son."

"Thanks Bobby," Dean says with a tired smile.

Bobby straightens and heads for the bedroom door. He pauses and turns back with a questioning look on his face.

Sam gives a slight nod and begins to get up from the corner of the bed.

"Dean, I'm going to walk Bobby out. Be back in a minute."

He can tell Dean knows that they're going to talk about him from his brother's exaggerated roll of the eyes and feels a bit guilty at how he's treating his brother.

ooooooo

If he could make his eyes roll any farther into the back of his head he would have, since he knew that they were just going to go talk about him. He watches Sam leave and thinks to himself:

_They're probably trying to figure out how to tell me what's happened just as much as I've been trying to figure out how to ask_.

He glances over at the tray Bobby left behind puzzled at the two drinks: _iced tea and a milkshake_? He actually felt hungry now that he'd been awake for a bit and finally his lethargic brain realizes that the milkshake was likely supposed to go in his feeding tube. Not wanting his brother to feed him like a little baby or invalid anymore, he makes the decision to try to drink the milkshake instead.

Dean starts trying to push himself up into a sitting position, but not only was he having difficulties keeping his head up off the pillow, he couldn't get his arms into position to support his weight. He finally gets his right arm under himself and was again trying to push himself up, when his arm slips out from under him and knocks the tray of food off of the bedside table. It hits the floor with a loud crash and from the sound, he knows the dishes have most likely broken. And, he knows that even if the dishes aren't broken, he had made a mess on the floor that he couldn't clean up himself as he was taught by his Dad.

Dean heard Sam running back to the bedroom, and he wanted to pound his fist against the mattress in frustration, but figured that the reality of the action would be rather pathetic. Instead he slowly lifted his shaking right arm and laid it over his eyes to shut out the world just as Sam ran through past the threshold.

ooooooo

Dean heard Sam say, "Dean? Are you alright?"

Dean decides to keep his arm in place as he heard Sam start to pick up the mess he had made and responded with a flat sounding, "Sorry, Sammy."

"It's OK, Bro. What happened?"

Still blocking Sam out of sight, Dean tried to think of a better explanation than the truth, when Sam says in a worried tone, "Dean?"

Frustrated with himself, he bit out in a clipped tone, "I tried to sit up so I could drink that milkshake instead of you feeding me through the damn tube up my nose, but I knocked the tray off of the table. Happy now?"

"Dean? Look at me."

Dean didn't feel like having this particular conversation right now. He had known that he would have to work to get his body back into shape, but he had had no idea that it was this bad off.

"Dean."

Dean continued to ignore Sam's pleads while he listened to his brother cleaning up the mess he had made and was unable to clean up. He had only been awake for a relatively short time now and didn't know if he could take all the various humiliations that had happened in that amount of time, let alone the numerous ones yet to come in his recovery.

"Dean. Please."

He felt Sam's hand on the arm over his eyes and knew his brother was going to use the advantage of healthy body to force Dean to communicate.

"Sam. Don't. I don't want to talk right now. Sorry about the mess. Just…just leave me alone right now… I'm tired and think I'll try sleeping."

With a sigh that sounded either sad or disappointed (both?) from Sam, Dean felt his brother's hand lift off his arm. He then heard the tray with the broken pieces being lifted off the floor and Sam's footsteps leave the room.

ooooooo

Now that he was alone, he laid his arm back down on the bed and wished Sam was still there with him. But, in the next instant, as his mind replayed all of the events that had happened since he had awakened, he quickly cancelled that wish. He needed to start rebuilding himself inside and out, but right now…

Right now his body's inability to do anything and his inability to be Sam's big brother was too overwhelming to bear any longer. His breath starts hitching and he squeezes his eyes shut to prevent the tears that were now forming behind his eyelids from escaping, but it doesn't work and a single tear runs down his right cheek.

This latest failure at controlling his own body is the last straw. He can't hold back anymore and a sob escapes his mouth. The tears keep coming and he is helpless to stop them.

ooooooo

Sam had been on his way back to the bedroom to check on Dean when he heard the hitching of his brother's breathing. He was about to enter their room when he hears the heart-wrenching sob break out from his brother. Sam steps back farther into in the hall, and unseen and unheard by his brother, can't help but cry in sympathy at his brother's despair.

ooooooo

**A/N: PLEASE READ:** I'm very sorry about the long delay between posts. Work, school, and real life were a tad (ha!) overwhelming for awhile. Work and real life are better now, but school is starting again for me tomorrow. From the peek I've had at the syllabus, it's going to be a **very** long and difficult term – tons of technical reading and three huge research papers to be done in the next ten weeks. Yay. You may be wondering how this affects this story…_or not_, but if you are, then I hate to say that updates will be very irregular for the near future. Many apologies.

**Thanks for being patient and for continuing along with this story**.


	13. Chapter 13: Being Obligated

**Being Back….**

**Summary**: Dean's soul is reunited with his body. Will being back be just another kind of Hell?

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Kripke et al. owns Supernatural.

**A/N**: Thank you as always to the readers, reviewers, and people who've alerted or favorited this story. Many apologies for not answering reviews, but please know they make my week!

After the extremely crappy and depressing week I've just had, I thought I deserved some writing-for-fun time … Here's hoping my research paper will be just as easily written.

ooooooo

**Chapter 13: Being Obligated**

He heard movement outside the door and knew Sam had seen his breakdown, but at this very moment he didn't much care. He needed to get a grip on himself and end this self-inflicted chick flick moment.

He took a deep breath and wiped the tears from his face. He knew Sam would be back any second under the pretense of finishing cleaning up the mess he had made, but in reality he'd be there to check up on him. No doubt they'd each pretend that he hadn't just lost it. That thought angered him for some reason.

He wanted some measure of control back over his life but his body was too weak to move very much. He basically had no control over anything including his emotions. He swallowed hard trying to hold back more tears and discovered one thing that he could control.

He grasps the feeding tube coming out of his nose and starts to slowly pull it out not caring what damage he could be causing to himself. This was something he could somewhat control. He knew he wouldn't be eating bacon cheeseburgers with extra onions any time soon, but at least he could determine what he did eat from now on.

He was still pulling the tube out when he hears Sam walking in and saying:

"Dean I just need to finish— Dean! What the hell do you think you're doing!?"

ooooooo

Sam decides to retreat back to the kitchen to give his brother and himself some time to regain some measure of control over their emotions. He walks back to the kitchen and sits down at the table taking deep breaths and wiping the tears off his face.

He never thought it would be so difficult to have his brother back with him. He thought it would simply be a joyful reunion and they could go back to hunting or maybe just settle down somewhere and live semi-normal lives for a change. Heck, he'd even accept them having a home base and hunting part time.

But, as time went on, and he and Bobby were no closer to finding a solution, he knew he could never have joyful or normal without his brother by his side. And, as Dean's body miraculously kept on going despite not having a soul, all Sam could think about was getting his brother out of Hell.

And, now, it seemed that though Dean was back, he was not yet out of Hell. His brother's body had lost muscle mass and though healed from the Hellhounds horrendous wounds, it would still need massive amounts of physical therapy to get back into shape. Sam hoped his stubbornly independent brother would swallow some of his pride and accept help in his recovery.

He gets up from the table and goes over to the sink to get some dish cloths to finish wiping up the mess on the floor of their bedroom. As he heads back toward their bedroom, he starts speaking loudly enough for Dean to be prepared for his arrival.

What he didn't expect was to see his brother pulling out his feeding tube.

"Dean! What the Hell do you think you're doing!?" he says as he lunges to stop Dean from pulling it completely out.

But, just as he gets close enough, Dean yanks one more time and the tube is completely out, saying:

"Taking control."

"What? Dean, you're stomach is in no way ready for solid foods yet. It should stay in at least a little while longer until you—"

"No. I'm awake now. I know I can't eat solid foods yet, but there are plenty of things I can drink so that I can work my way back to eating real food again."

"You could have just asked and I would've helped."

"I knew we'd have this argument regardless so I just did it, get over it."

"Fine," he huffs as he moves around the bed to finish cleaning up the mess from lunch.

"Sam."

He ignores his brother for the moment and finishes cleaning up the mess. As he stands, Dean calls his name again.

"Sammy?"

"What?" he snaps, keeping his back to Dean and trying to control his growing anger at the stupidity of older brothers.

"Sammy, I'm sorry. I know you must be tired of having to take care of me when you could be doing something else better with your life, and now that I'm awake I just want to get strong enough so you can go back to whatever life you had made for yourself while I was gone."

Sam can't believe what he's hearing and closes his eyes to keep control of his temper, but when his brother suggests that Sam even had another life without Dean, he can't take it any longer.

"Are you insane!?" he yells as he turns around and steps up to the head of Dean's bed.

"How could you ever think I could get on with my life when you were suffering in Hell and your body was just a soulless husk lying in a hospital! Getting your soul back from Hell was the **only** thing I could think about doing these last months."

Realizing he's standing over his brother in a threatening manner, he takes a step back and sits on his bed, letting out a frustrated sigh. "All I wanted is for you to be out of Hell and for us to be brothers again. You can't get rid of me that easily."

Sam sees that his brother is shocked by the outburst and notices the conflicting emotions running over his brother's face, but in the end he sees Dean smirk and say:

"Dude. Chill. I never said I didn't want you around, I just didn't want you to feel obligated."

"The only thing I feel obligated to do right now is get myself some lunch. I'm starving." He gets up off his bed and heads towards the door.

"Me too. I wish pie came in liquid form."

"Dude, gross! How does a protein shake sound?" Sam says as he's walking out the door.

"Can't wait. Do they have pie flavor?" Sam hears Dean yell back at him as he's walking toward the kitchen.

ooooooo

Dean had noticed that his brother had been crying and wasn't sure what to do or say. When he decided to bait his brother into that outburst, he had had no idea what to expect, but this wasn't it. He hadn't wanted Sam to put his life on hold for him. He'd wanted Sam to build a new life after he was gone – one perhaps that didn't involve hunting or at least involved a girlfriend.

In the end he was grateful for what Sammy had said. He never knew that his brother felt so strongly about him. Even though the word "love" was never used, it permeated everything Sammy had said.

If anything, it made Dean feel even more obligated to take back control over his body and get his life back. A life that would always include his little brother. No matter what.

ooooooo

**Thanks for reading! All mistakes are mine. I just finished writing this so sorry for any glaring errors…**


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